Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
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DRACULA: I vant to suck your blood.
ME: “Want.”
DRACULA: Vant.
ME: Wan—it’s a W.
DRACULA: Okay, my intent is clear, and the pronunciation is clearly cultural, so, this is starting to feel racist.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
Labreador
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Find yourself someone who looks at you the way I look at the block button.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.