Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
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I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
NOTICE: Drive thru weddings at the First State Bank from 6-10pm. Put $50 in the money drawer and out comes a marriage license and two rolls of Smarties. God bless.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Very good news from my accountant
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Wait!! There’s a box??? 😂😝
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*