Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
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Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
Me *secures my kid’s seat belt*
My kid: Are we there yet?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
I know karate and tons of other words.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
news to me: apparently, the house of pies in los feliz has a new british owner.
The conversation w customer service has essentially been
“Hey yall said i violated the terms of service but i genuinely dont know what i did”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Aight but whatd i do”
“You violated the terms of service :)”
“Elaborate tho??”
*crickets*
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
Match dot com, but for socks.
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
So what I ate my salad with a spoon, lf you give me a second date and i’ll show you how I tackle soup
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
sigh
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
My sister’s boyfriend is visiting from England and we’re going to the driving range. What are the English rules of golf. Do I have to fight him or what.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!