Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
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[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
Area 8-Year-Old Formally Rescinds Hunger Complaint Following Mother’s Insulting Banana Offer
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?
I said, Kindergarten.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
I bet the Sorting Hat ceremony is really fascinating at first and then he starts taking his sweet time on the eleventh kid and you realize there’s 200 more and you’re not allowed to look at your phone.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”