My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
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Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Me: who called it a prison cell air duct instead of a convent
Nun: that’s not funny
Escaped Prisoner (hiding in the air duct): it kinda is
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
[high]
ME: dude, NASA faked the moon landing
FRIEND: wait, u mean-
ME: yep, the moon never landed at all, it’s still out there somewhere
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense