cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
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The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
The three genders
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?
I don’t think “House” was the right name for that Hugh Laurie show. Based on what I saw, it should have been called “Hospital”
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
ok this is my dumbest yet
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.
*pulls a tiny monocle out of a jar of peanut butter*
OH GOD WHY
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
i’ll see your “live laugh love” sign and raise you an “ew, people”
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.