Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
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Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
It’s National Donut Day and I have failed to eat a single donut. 2020 is truly a catastrophe…
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
I just used Quandary in casual conversation, like some sort of philosophical genius, and everyone laughed and then I ran back to my computer to make sure I used it correctly and I did, so you may call me Professor.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Me: Yo! It’s so quiet, what’s everyone doing?
Boss: uh, working
Me: again?
Boss: …
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I have consumed so much potato salad the last couple of days, I’m sweating mayo
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
I let my dog watch “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it….Which surprised me because, he hated the book.
Made something I’m not proud of
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
There’s no denying that I have an effect on men. Mostly migraines, but an effect nonetheless.