911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
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My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Me, walking out of a store: *wow all these dudes are staring at ME? A middle aged mom? Ok. Yeah. Sure. I mean I guess I’m still hot maybe, ok yeah good for me*
Me, an hour later: *ok so I tucked my dress into my underwear a few hours ago I see that now NEVERTHELESS*
Spring allergies- because my body likes to panic about plant sex
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a trader joe’s
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot