If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
You Might Also Like
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
[me, watching sports] ah yes, go ball
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
wife: Can’t we just buy a bigger catflap?
me: [buttering the cat] We’re not made of money, Karen
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON