Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
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Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you鈥檙e really surprised
In America, feng shui is just aiming all of your furniture at the TV.
There鈥檚 a bag of Hersey鈥檚 chocolate in the kitchen.
I鈥檝e been smothering myself with kisses.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: can I buy these ladies drinks?
Me: sure *takes ladies drinks and sets them down in front of him* that鈥檒l be $18.50
*At the Carnival*
Me: How much for the petting zoo?
Person: What?
*Drunk at Walmart by the dressing rooms*
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must鈥檝e dozed off
B: That鈥檚 unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn鈥檛 I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 馃憤.
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
Finished stitching this today 馃槆
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
Easy enough.
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.