Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
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Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
The weather forecast should include the percentage of answers blowing in the wind
Review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
This surgeon yelling at me in the physician’s lounge. He thinks I’m a med student. I’m just gonna keep letting him yell at me and then put on my attending hospitalist badge, say “ok then” and leave.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
My doctor said to have a reasonable meal for dinner, so I talked some sense into my pizza.
You can arrest protesters. You can take away their first amendment rights. You can even expel them. But you still can’t make a college commencement ceremony fun.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then