I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
You Might Also Like
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Apparently telling your spouse “we’re going down” as you wake them up from their nap as the plane is landing is not appreciated. Oops
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Sure, you women *say* you don’t need men anymore. But just wait until we start packaging tampons in tightly sealed jars.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
Lindsay Lohan said she’s voting for Mitt b/c “employment is really important right now”
Like it’s Obama’s fault no one wants to hire her.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
they say plastic straws are ruining the ocean, so i’ve started throwing mine in the garbage instead
Son: what are those wrinkles
Me: crows feet
Son: jeez how many crows were standing on you
Me:
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars