I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
You Might Also Like
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
Can’t wait to win the kids Easter egg hunt for the 32nd year in a row!
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
You can tell a lot about a person
by his hot dog stand orderI knew the guy was a Buddhist when
he said “Make me one with everything”
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt