Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
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We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
My doctor wants me to take a stress test.
I should pass with flying colors. I’ve been studying for this my whole life.
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Saw a guy with two sheathed machetes walking through a Winco once, like he thought he was gonna have to Mortal Kombat his way into getting a 24-pack of Orange Shasta
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
my biggest wish is that someday a bunch of people will say wow money really changed her
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.