Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
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She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
I never eat breakfast at home, but when on vacation I go out for breakfast every day and am like “YES I’D LIKE THE STARVING LUMBERJACK GUTBUSTER PLATTER AND A SIDE PILE OF BACON.”
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
Rose petals? Next time scatter something I can eat.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.