Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
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Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Idc how bad my relationship is I’m not calling no mf radio station for advice😭
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Ever been in the middle of writing a great tweet and think, did I just run someone over?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
I’m at the age where a “movie marathon” means .75 movies
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
BF:
M:STOP STARING!-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Me: What’s the capital of Ohio?
Son: …
Me: It’s also a famous explorer.
Son: Dora?
Me: Yep. Dora, Ohio.