In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.
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Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Me: waiter, do you have frog legs?
Waiter: of course monsieur
Me: good, hop over there and get me a beer
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
No one:
My brain: the word ‘platitude’ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
someone just dropped a glass at the hotel breakfast and three different people shouted “buddy!” at the same time. this city rules lol
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
Pat is about to own someone
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
DM: hi I’m Emily and I live in your area 💋
Me: big whoop Emily I live here too
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*