After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
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The same people who tell you to follow your dreams are the ones who are all ‘surprised’ when you show up to do a presentation buck naked. Do not trust these people. Stay woke and follow zero dreams.
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
My kid force-fed me popcorn so I had to act like I hated it, but it was secretly amazing
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?