This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
Imagine seeing the most perfect creature walking towards you. They stop. You look deep into their eyes, heart pounding with deep compassion. Your fingers tremble yearning to caress them.
And then you hear those words…
“He’s a service dog. You can’t pet him.”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
I want to meet the individual who made this
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
When you’re Kinky but poor
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
I put the hot in psychotic.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.