The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
termite twitter scares me
I’ve had worse
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
My favorite thing to do in cities is walk down busy sidewalks, pass by people, and say into my phone “Target is on the move.”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Well. That’s not a good sign.
#Caturday
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
Doormats are a gateway rug.
To tell the difference between an African and an Indian elephant, you look at its ears, then lift one up and shout “WHERE ARE YOU FROM M8?”