“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
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Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
You wish you had this many chins.
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Amazon Review: A History of Criminals
★★★☆☆Not a bad book. Prose and cons.
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Me:*hits rock bottom* welp, it can’t get any worse
Rock bottoms older brother: Is this the guy that hit you
Me: ᴼʰ ⁿᵒ
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Just this preview of the story is enough
I have questions??
Ha.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?