Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
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ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Geez man, take it easy.
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
friend: I have a theory that the center of the Earth will cool and become solid
me: wow, that’s hardcore
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Wish all of my viruses were this polite
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[social gathering]
guy: wow, you work in an ER?
me: yep
guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?
me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit
*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
January is lasting longer than my marriage
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
IDEA FOR COURTROOM SKETCH ARTISTS: a camera