For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
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Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Bobby pin
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
[interviewing cave bat]
me: any disadvantages to hanging upside down?
Bat: [pee rolling down his face] Yes, one.
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
Don’t you hate it when you accidentally say something dumb in a conversation and then hate yourself for the next 15 years
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
After our fifth kid, I had a vasectomy but it didn’t work. I’m still a father.
me: [throwing pebbles in the sea]
fred flintstone: NOOOOOOOO
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
My knight in shining armor comes in liquid form.
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
💻🤡
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”