“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
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Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
[looking at photo album]
Me: Here’s the story of how daddy met mommy
Son: Why is your hair spiky…
Daughter: …and long in the back?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
Just say no
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
*montage of me teaching a penguin to do everything my son Brian can do*
Wife: Where’s Brian?
Me: [studying her closely] He’s… right here?
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?