Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
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ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Spending all my money on lottery tickets so I’ll either be rich or poor, none of this wishy-washy stuff in the middle
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.