who did the taste test?
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I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
Did you click the three dots? Yeah, I clicked the three dots. Okay under the three dots you should see- sorry, what? Oh yes, on some devices it will be three LINES. So if you could just click the three dots or the three lines- what? Oh yes, sorry, on some devices it’s a tap so if
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
wife: you can’t wear those to a funeral.
me: you’re right…*takes off hulk hands*
wife: that’s better.
me: *puts on formal hulk hands*
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.