My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
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me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
It’s hard to believe in God when every time I go to Subway the person in front of me has NO IDEA HOW SUBWAY WORKS.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Doing word problems as a kid as helped me in adulthood. “Dan doesn’t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
UBER DRIVER: Where to
ME: One sec. Siri, where the best place to dispose of an uber driver’s body
SIRI: The bog
ME: nearest bog please
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
You never know how strong you are until someone’s story runs more than 5 mins
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
discontinue use and talk to your doctor if you experience death, as this may be a sign of a more serious condition.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works