Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
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I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Leap years mean nothing when you have bad knees.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
men are simple creatures
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.
[space mission studying behaviour of snakes on the moon]
astronaut: “we should’ve taken our own”
astronaut holding net: “just keep looking”
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god