First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
You Might Also Like
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
The internet is magic sometimes.
Lo AND behold? in this economy?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
T H E K I _ _ _ P P E R
Taking a DNA sample from the kidnapper.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
Black Friday “markdowns” like
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
Me: He had short brown hair, a goatee, one earring…
Sketch artist: Are you just describing me?
Me: He had a sketch pad. Looked angry.
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down