You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
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And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?
Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army
[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
FB: you have memories to look back on
Wine: i’ll take care of this
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.