I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
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nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.
I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.