In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
You Might Also Like
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Me: *putting on docuseries about the “Yorkshire Ripper”*
Husband: isn’t that the guy who made weird pudding out of people?
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
2022 be like
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Drank some sparkling water which makes me burpy and its driving my kid insane.
I’ve never thought gas could get any better but here we are.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you