satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
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ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Report: Scientist walks in on climate changing, awkwardness ensues
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
How do girls look so cute in an oversize sweater? I look like a hot air balloon ready for takeoff.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
[running amok in flames]
WHY ARE INFLAMMABLE THINGS FLAMMABLE!?
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer