1978 was all about running home when the street lights came on and dressing in the closet so my Shaun Cassidy posters didn’t see me naked…
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When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
what it’s like dating me:
This is your pilot speaking. We’ll be taking off shortly once our flight crew confirms that this is, in fact, an airplane
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
[Last day in prison]
*Walks up to the biggest guy*
Hey man, sorry about that first day stuff.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Ugh
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Shout out to the young woman in Tesco who, when asked for ID, yelled “oh my god, do I really look that young?!” and then it turned out she was 17.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.
My 9: what language does toast speak?
French toast.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.