Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
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[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
My husband kept me up last night playing Call of Duty on his phone, so this morning I changed his ringtone to someone farting, and then called him repeatedly when he went to the gym.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
WHY?!
Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings