Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
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I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Oh we’ve met.
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*