I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .
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[friend at his party] I think we’re just gonna keep spotify on for awhile
[me with a harmonica imprint in my pocket] cool my lips hurt anyway
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
If you legally change your name to ‘You’re Free to Go’ then it’s impossible to get arrested.