[Star Wars Episode VII scene]
Princess Leia: I love you Han.
Han Solo: *favs but doesn’t reply*
You Might Also Like
Have you ever had to call the landlord to ask for some caulk? How would you word that?
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Turns out I wasn’t in narnia, I was in my dishwasher high on bath salts
If you see a glass as half empty, pour it into a smaller glass.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
Arguing with guy at the bar and he claimed Wikipedia was an unreliable source, suggesting instead that I listen to him, a drunk guy at a bar
I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.