I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
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I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I was never a big believer in destiny until the only parking available at my gym was in the adjacent Burger King.
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
The problem with honey is that I could be in a hazmat suit watching a show about someone in Australia just looking at a jar of it and it would still wind up all over me.
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
I was in a serious relationship once. We never even smiled.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
I just want the confidence of a youtuber who suddenly thinks they can sing
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
If you suddenly stand up and shout “IT’S A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE” you can walk out of work and not come back and no one will even ask about it.
I pronounce LMAO as “Le Mayo”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
me: “£4,000 for a beehive?”
salesman: “sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that’s only 50p each”
me: [checking my wallet] “give me 3 bees”