Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
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Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
I can’t wait for tomorrow when all of the April Fools’ Day chocolate is on sale.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
me: hello 911
operator: actually you’ve reached 116
me: ok can u tell 911 I’m dangling from a cliff
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
After slaving away making a full Christmas dinner, my 3yo looked lovingly at me and smiled. Then five simple words left her mouth… “can I have cereal instead?”
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?