Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
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What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
The spaghetti scene in Lady and the Tramp is adorable, but it would never work with humans. Nobody wants to see two dogs sharing a plate of humans.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
I saw a spider crawl under my kid’s bed and was too tired to go after it, but that’s okay, no living creature can survive that environment.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
My mind is like a sponge.
It spends most of its time in filthy places.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn’t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.