Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
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Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I’ve banged my pinky toe so many times in the past week it has an appointment at the clinic tomorrow for a STD test.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
I put a baby on board sign in the back window of the family van to let people know that my little Johnny is down for whatevs
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
How do you like your Corgi?
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
omg leave her alone
If you ever find a partially eaten grilled cheese sandwich at my house call the police.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.