Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
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ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
Please don’t tell my kids they haven’t got a pet chameleon.
maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Calories are way less frightening if you think of them as points and you’re going for a high score.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Me: [Sits down to eat breakfast]
Girlfriend: Babe, you forgot the French Toast
Me: Oh sorry [raises glass] VIVE LA FRANCE!
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.