Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
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I wish my seven-year-old daughter would stop using air quotes whenever she calls me “Dad.”
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I only use shampoo that smells like raspberries so people don’t think it’s weird when I have jam in my hair.
August 8
microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
[GOP debate]
JOHN KASICH: my dad was a mailman so i understand our nation’s struggles
MODERATOR: what how
JK: i went through everyone’s mail
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.