My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
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Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
How’d you get a black eye?
Walked into a door.
[Later, another shiner]
More doors?
*nods*
One does not simply walk into more doors.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Apparently the thirstiest creature in the whole world is always a kid who’s been told to go back to his bed like a hundred times.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I was pregnant in High School BEFORE it became popular….
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
“I’m here for the hookers and the booze!!!”
“Sir, this is a library.”
*whispers… “I’m here for the hookers and the booze.”
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty