I moved to quick and my Fitbit asked if it should call an ambulance.
You Might Also Like
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
[briefing]
CIA DIRECTOR: We have a leak…
CIA PLUMBER: (slowly stands up)
CIA DIRECTOR: In our operation.
CP: (slowly sits back down)
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
I know we’re not supposed to say this, but our second black president looks just like our first black president to me.
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
It’s actually Dr. whatever
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.