One thing I’m good at is making grocery lists.They are some great damn lists.They don’t come to the store with me. But they are sweet lists.
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how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
and now we wait
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
Wife: you need to get rid of these jeans.
Me: but I’ve had them forever.
Wife: exactly!
Me: I love them and by keeping them I’m reducing my carbon footprint. Fast fashion etc.
Wife: there’s a giant crotch hole in them. I can see your balls.
Me: you’re welcome?
Wife: no.
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!
GENIE: you have three wishes.
ME: sweet, I wish for pie.
GENIE: okay, whatever, you have 3.14 wishes.
Sorry boss, I set my alarm for 7PM instead of 7AM and that’s why I haven’t been at work in six years.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
My Girlfriend wanted a cat. I didn’t want a cat. So we compromised and we got a cat…