If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
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My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.
For a happy marriage, never closely watch them eat.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Donald Trump looks like the nasty businessman in a Disney movie who loses out to a six year-old and his dog.
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
I always score high marks on my drug test; so four years of college wasn’t a complete waste.
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I’m 30 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 18 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My dog tried to kill someone for talking to me, which is basically the sweetest thing anyone’s ever done for me.