Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
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My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Millennials are so spoilt with their smartphones & tablets. All we had at their age was the ability to buy property in Central London.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
Putting lotion on your hands and picking up your coffee cup is pretty damn stupid.
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in