No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
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i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
selena gomez
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Recipe: simmer gently for 3-4 minutes
Me: boils violently for 16-98 minutes depending on when I remember I left something cooking in a pan
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
Going to a DaBaby concert because I need some alone time, and I know no one else will be there.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
called my horse mayo cause mayo neighs
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
I’m saving all my really good tweets for when I think of some.